When I was a kid, my grandfather used to tell me a story:
"Back when I was in elementary school, I passed by a garden on my way home.
An old man was standing there, every day.
And every day I would greet him, without knowing that man.
One day the old man stopped me and said: "You know, dozens of school kids are passing by here every day. You are the only one who greets me, day after day. That is very nice of you."
He then gave me a coin and went back to his garden.
That showed me that being polite to others is never wrong - Best case you somehow get something out of it! Worst case you get nothing but made somebody else happy and that already is something great."
In my younger years, when my world was very self centered, this sounded like a made up story to get me to be nice to random people.
The older I got (and the more I realized that my world is about so many other people than just myself) the more the meaning changed for me.
I now think it is more fitting to rephrase my grandfathers take-away to "Being kind to others is never wrong - Worst case nothing happens.
Best case you will receive some form of kindness back."
Following that thought, I want to focus this post on a special kind of showing kindness - being thankful.
Case Study
At my current workplace we are using a public system to thank others.
It also tracks how many praises you have given and received.
In the last 2 and a half years I have given out over 260 praises to other people, meaning on average I praise two people per week.
While 80% of these people are from my team (which isn't surprising, because I have more transparency on what they do and therefore more chances to praise them) I also make sure to praise others I interact with - if there is a good reason.
I have spoken with a few people about how this affects them. They really enjoy being thanked for and that it contributes to a positive work environment for them.
This is alone is reason enough for me to keep doing it - having an effect on collaboration with something so simple is amazing.
The challenge is to get these people to continue the cycle. To encourage them to praise others as well and keep the fire burning.
For some this works naturally.
Some need a gentle push. I often have 1:1s where people tell me about great things others did for them. I then ask if they have told these people about it and the answer is usually "No".
Sometimes you don't see the chance to be thankful, sometimes you lack time.
Still, being thankful is worth investing the time - and easier than you might think.
How To Be Thankful
Being thankful means appreciating what another person has done (maybe for you, maybe for others) AND letting them know about it.
Sadly, we often forget about the last part.
People are not mind readers, they have a hard time knowing when they have done something that another person appreciates if nobody tells them.
That's why it is important to be vocal about it.
In the following part I will use "praise" as synonym for thanking somebody for something.
How do I thank another person? There are a few guidelines I have set for myself. Hopefully they can help you as well:
- Praising needs to be truthfully and not just for the sake of praising. If you don't find something to praise a person for, don't do it. You wouldn't want to get a half-assed praise from another person for something that does not really make sense, would you?
- Avoid repetitions. If you already thanked a person for something specific a few days ago, don't do it again unless something changed. If so, make clear that you already thanked them but with the recent situation change you felt the need to express that praise again.
- Pick the right level of exposure. If the reason for your praise is sensitive or you are unsure if the person will receive it well, thank them in private. If your company has a process for thanking others (e.g. a Slack channel) use that to inform others as well. It could also be a group message or E-Mail, or mentioning them in your newsletter (if you have one). You will find ways and you will figure out over time what works best for you.
Lastly, your brain behaves like a muscle. If it is hard to find things to be thankful for, just keep trying.
You can also do shadow-praising first - writing your thanks for a private notebook or text file without actually sharing it.
Once you start, you will be seeing more and more things others do well.
Example Praises
Here are a few examples for praises I have given other people over time:
Thanks a lot for taking a few minutes out of your schedule every now and then to help me organise communication around EVENT, listening to my sorrows and providing ways to unblock me. I wouldn't be at this stage of planning without your help!
Thanks a lot for going out of your way to support my team with PROJECT. You stuck to past decisions but did not just brush our requests of, you tried your best to outline potential alternatives and courses of action to help us unblock the project.
Thanks a lot for your discovery and write down of PROJECT, having all the options that match our use case layed out will help us make an informed decision! Great work!
What To Expect
Being thankful is not a completely selfless act.
It may not be obvious at first, but there are a few things you can expect to happen over time (though none of them is guaranteed).
- If you regularly praise people, it makes it easier to give them constructive feedback as well. They already know that you see both positive things critique, so they are more open to see other feedback from you as coming with a positive intent as well.
- Praising can boost your social credit, especially if you are publicly thankful. Some people struggle with highlighting their good work - you are helping them doing so.
- People are more likely to praise you back, thereby giving you exposure as well
- Thanking others is a form of gratitude and there are dozens of research papers out there that focus how being grateful boosts your physical health, relationships and mental wellbeing. (1, 2, 3)
Thanking others is a proven method to boost relationships, your own happiness and can improve productivity by allowing better feedback.
It is amazing to use in your professional life, especially in a time of more remote focused teams.
Conclusion
The main takeaway - being thankful is effort with great return value.
Over time it becomes easier and the potential benefits far outweigh the initial struggle to get going.
In my personal view, there is no reason to not pick this up as a habit - I challenge you to find one good thing another person did for you this week and thank them!
This story was originally shared in my personal blog.
Top comments (2)
I also trust in the power of positive feedbacks. Most people only shares the negative ones. Whole it's good to have negative feedbacks, I noticed barely no one give positive feedbacks. I tend to do it publicly when I can. When I see somehow who faced a lot of work or faced a huge issues and worked hard to solve/cope with it. People comes to me to thank me to say how important it was for them that I thought and talked about it.
I don't do it to get positive feedbacks or thanks, I do it because I care about these people.
I think that is a wonderful mindset. It is very easy to spot areas of improvement in other people and sadly this is often phrased as negative critique. I fully agree that people need positive feedback as well, because it shows that something was good and can reinforce behaviour. Doing that AND giving constructive feedback to grow is huge!